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Favorite Myths Told to Parents of Unmanageable Teens March 4, 2002 For purposes of this dissertation, “Unmanageable Teen” will be shortened to UT. Parents are, all too often, given advice by family, friends and law enforcement personnel that sounds hopeful but turns out to be myths.
Myth 1: “Knock his teeth down his throat!” This is a favorite comeback by
police officers when you describe the unruly, disruptive, disrespectful and
despicable behavior of your UT. However, when you ask the officers if they would
do that, they immediately say “It was only a figure of speech.” Or, “Of course
not.” So why say it to begin with! Such behavior goes beyond corporal punishment
for discipline and quickly becomes child abuse. However, corporal punishment is
an option. But if you have not been exercising it since your UT was two or
three, it is way too late now. By this time (age 15 or older) he is bigger than
you and, most likely, in better shape. Unless you are prepared for a
knock-down-drag-out fight, corporal punishment is not a practical option. A
fight may turn into a scene where law enforcement attempts to dissect the
situation and determines that you, the parent, are the batterer and haul you off
to jail! Myth 2: "Send him to boot camp!" Sounds like a plan, but is he
eligible? Your UT may not be bad enough for the “long-term” boot-camp program.
Just because he treats you, your family and possessions with utter contempt and
disrespect to the point of being emotionally painful to be around him doesn’t
give him a ticket to boot-camp. He needs to steal a car or beat someone up or
worse. In other words, he needs a felony conviction to be eligible. On the other
hand, to be eligible for the one-day "introductory" program, your UT can't have
a juvenile record or any prior contact with the justice system. So, your UT might be too bad or not bad
enough. Emancipation, in context with your
UT, means he can become an “adult” by act of law. Once emancipated, your UT is
no longer your responsibility. You can now evict him and are no longer required
by law to feed and clothe him. The hitch in this myth is that your UT must
emancipate himself – you can’t do it for him. To be eligible for emancipation,
your UT must convince a judge that he has a job and a place to live (other than
your house). If your UT doesn’t want to be emancipated, there is nothing you can
do about it. Myth 4: “We’ll take him to JDC!” Nice thought, have your UT removed from your care to a secure facility if even for a few days (21 days max) but, it’s just a myth! In fact, the police will take your UT not to the Juvenile Detention Center (JDC), where he would be held in a secure facility, but to the Juvenile Assessment Center (JAC) where he is asked some questions and released. Here’s the “fun” part of this myth: after two hours, you’ll be called to come to the JAC to get your UT. If you refuse, the JAC staff will quickly tell you that you can be charged with “felony child neglect.” However, if they can’t reach you,
your UT is taken to a shelter which is not a secure facility. This means your UT
can walk out at any time. JDC is only an option if the JAC determines that he
has “enough points” to be “detainable.” Nevertheless, a stay in a shelter, even
if brief, affords some relief. If you don’t answer your phone or knocks at your
door, you can’t be reached; you can’t be charged with felony child neglect and
your UT is where he is relatively safe: a shelter so you both have a chance to
settle back into “normalcy.” Oops, another myth! Until your UT
is eighteen, you must provide food, shelter, clothing and protection from harm.
If you withhold any of these elements, you are in violation of the law and can
be arrested for neglect: You’ll be in jail and your UT will be in your house.
So, provide what’s required but don’t make it easy for him. For example, thin
out the cupboard and refrigerator until only the essentials remain. Bring home
just enough food (that you like) to feed the family for a meal. Don’t keep lots
of food on hand. Cut down the amount of clothes he has. Remove amenities from
his room: TV, boom-box, telephone, etc. Lock him out if he’s not home by curfew.
You must eventually let him in, but force him to call the police to get back in.
Of course, he has every right to kick down the door or break a window to get in.
The myth doesn’t volunteer this fact, so why should you? Myth 6: “When he’s eighteen, throw him out!” A popular myth offered up by police, family and friends. At age eighteen you may no longer be responsible for his actions or to feed and clothe him but now, you are, in a sense, his landlord and therefore can not “throw him out” without first filing an eviction notice with the court and with the UT. It then takes, at best, about thirty days to actually evict him from your house. At worst, you’ll be stuck waiting for a court date where you will have to argue your case in front of a judge. Note: should he, in the meantime, invite a friend to stay over, say “No” and stick to it. Otherwise, in very short order the friend now becomes a legal resident in your house and must be served with eviction papers before he can be removed. Same goes for any friends the friend might invite to “stay over.” So, when your UT reaches his
eighteenth birthday, give him his eviction notice and tell him he has thirty
days to find other quarters. |
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